considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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