a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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