I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
