Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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