remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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