I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
