you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
