Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
