I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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