I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
