i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
