I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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