im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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