Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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