If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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