She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize
