"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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