My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
