Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
