Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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