I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
