How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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