My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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