; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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