I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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