i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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