there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
