I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I want is dick and wine.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
