Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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