I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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