I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
