I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
