Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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