good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
