I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
