So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
