I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
