Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
