anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
