I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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