Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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