the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
