Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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