I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
