finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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