The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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