the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
