i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I touched a dick in church today
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
