You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
