Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize