I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
