everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
