Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
