I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
