Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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