I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Panties = found
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
