ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just threw up on my dentist
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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