dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
