I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
