overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
