Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
