If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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