Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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