so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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