She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This is my gift to your gina
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
